The Final One

I love to read. I'm also a very reflective girl. Everything we were assigned to read, I read and tried to apply it to my life in some way. All of my discoveries during this class were on a personal level. The literature didn't make me think of science, politics, education, statistics etc.. It made me think of humans individually and as a whole. I thought of myself and how I resembled/differed from those that I read about. I thought about my family, and familiar emotions. Therefore, this final blog post may not seem very academic, but it is genuine to the core of what I got from American Literature through Whitman.

     I could go through and write about everything all over again, but I'm in a time crunch and I'm sure you are as well. I went through and picked the top three thoughts that I wrote about in my blog that made an unusually defined impression on me. Namely: De Vaca, Mayflower Madam, and Hawthorne's "The Birthmark". They don't really seem to go together do they?

De Vaca

 Man is subject to innumerable pains and sorrows by the very condition of humanity, and yet, as if nature had not sown evils enough in life, we are continually adding grief to grief and aggravating the common calamity by our cruel treatment of one another.
Joseph Addison

     Humanity, humanity, humanity. I read through quotes on humanity for a long time. Most of them were honestly just stupid and barely even broke the surface of what I think humanity to be defined by. Well, I say I know what I think humanity is defined by, but I don't REALLY know. I just have this sub-conscious sort of feeling about it that I can't really put words to. Maybe everyone has this problem, and that's why all of the quotes were so... blah, because no one can really put words to it. We all just sit back, watch, and feel humanity.

   

     I've said all this because the only thing I could think about as I read the account of De Vaca as he lived with the Native Americans, was humanity. The way he described those Indians painted a picture of humanity that I had never really seen before.

   The Indians were dependent on each other. Perhaps that's why they cared for one another and made an effort to stay close. I feel that way about my family, but not my neighbors, not the President, not my hometown preacher, and certainly not the random guy sitting next to me and talking to himself in the library at this moment.Living in a community where you all work together and support each other in order to live is a foreign lifestyle to me.

    Have you ever seen the movie, "Red Dawn"? Not the new one (I'm sure they probably ruined the original..) . I'm talking about the one they made in the 80's. A story about a group of kids who were forced to work together in order to survive.

    

     As I was re-reading my blog on De Vaca, I saw where I had wrote that the Indians seemed so pure and wholesome (in SOME ways) than the average joe today. I thought it might be because they were exposed to so little depravity out there in the middle of the woods. I started thinking about it again.. I don't think I was right. If I think about it more, then I question that argument because all you really need for depravity is one human. Even if he or she is out in the middle of nowhere, alone. I'm a firm believer that humans inherently have something depraved in us. Exposure to certain evils can make it worse, yes, but even in total seclusion you are still going to have the inborn nature that can take hold.

     The Mayflower Madam 

     Such a touchy topic. Little ladies in Sunday school would probably keel over if they read my blog of admiration for the Mayflower Madam, but oh well. I re-read my blog on Sydney and I think that I was dead on. I still agree with everything I said. I can't really be as philosophical minded on this topic because for me, a lot of my opinions are very cut and dried. I'm reminded of these cliche's: Bite the bullet, put your big girl panties on and deal with it (yes, my mom frequently tells me this..), git er done, SUCK IT UP. Sydney did these things and managed to make it out alive, ha. Bravo. I hope I do. Although I don't think I will run or participate in an escort service. I will, however, continue to be clever, persistent, and work smart. 

" I don't condone the way Sydney made her money, and I don't have to in order to just admire the skill, intelligence, and drive that she possessed. Not only did she make herself successful, but she managed to do get of some serious trouble down the road. It takes skill to solicit high end escorts and or prostitution for years and get off with only paying $5,000  and a "kiss on the wrist," (Sydney Biddle Barrows) instead of a slap on the wrist, after you've been caught." -From Mayflower Madam Blog

     If I lose my job, I will work what connections I have until I have another one. I will work my butt off and be dedicated so that I will push beyond the crowd and be visible. I will sacrifice certain things in order to attain what I want (I won't sacrifice quite as much as Sydney did though! Definitely not.) . It takes a strong woman to do all these things, and though she was not perfect, I think the Mayflower Madam was strong, and I admire that. I also admire Mother Teresa (another strong lady), my own mother, Fanny Fern, Louisa May Alcott, Condoleezza Rice, Christiane Amanpour, Jillian Michaels, Harriet Jacobs etc... 

     Ever heard the song, "Run the World" by Beyonce'? Haha. 



     "The Birthmark" Nathanial Hawthorne 

      This is honestly a painful subject for me, because my struggle with perfection goes so deep. That is probably why it was one of the most memorable things I read this semester. What can I even say about this? You already know we are consumed with perfection. You've heard statistics on plastic surgery and eating disorders (Which I've had). I would not be surprised if the powerful dissatisfaction with ourselves and or others, was a key component in Suicide. It effects everything for me. 
"I  struggle with my complete, total lack of perfection, every single hour of every day. I am my own Aylmer. I'm obviously still breathing, unlike Georgianna, but I ruin so much of my life by always feeding my dis-satisfaction with myself. Sometimes I feel like their is a part of me that dies (just like Georgianna died) because I won't embrace and love how I have been made.

I battle with myself concerning whether or not my lust for perfection is right or not sometimes (Just like Georgianna tries to convince herself that Aylmer's obsession with perfection is genius and pure love). Is it admirable to be so consumed with being perfect that you're constantly sacrificing to become so? Or is it a shallow, un-fulfilling pursuit. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is I can't seem to stop myself. It's a drive I've always seemed to have engraved in me" -from blog five 

 

An interesting aspect of this story is symbolized in the fact that Georgianna believes that it is true love and passion that drive this desire for perfection. Unfortunately it is just humanity. I believe some people have a stronger desire for it than others. I believe some people can't deal with how short they come up in their OWN estimations as well as others, so they bury their attempts at perfection and instead let themselves go. I've been there. I see it first-hand from those close to me. I know a woman that used to be so beautiful and smart, but she broke down somewhere in her life. Mentally, emotionally, physically. She fell into a pit that she couldn't even crawl out of so she just went crazy and blindly started digging herself even deeper so she wouldn't have to face the light of where she used to be. 

I have this twisted sort of feeling in me that if I can't be perfect and have it my way, than I don't want anything. I talked about it some in my blog:

    "Georgianna says this in reference to whether or not she would rather live with imperfection or die: ' Were I weaker and blinder, it might be happiness. Were I stronger, it might be endured hopefully. But, being what I find myself, methinks I am of all mortals fit to die.'

In other words, if I were more of a weak-minded person, I could even be happy with imperfection. If I were stronger, I could live with it and be hopeful despite it. But neither I am of those things and would rather die then not be what I most desire to be. --- I wouldn't say that I might rather be dead, but I definitely have felt that way during the times when I'm most disappointed in myself." - From Blog five 

I wish I could be the person to stand up and say that I know this obsession with perfection is wrong, and give the appearance that I don't deal with it, and fight it.  I am not that person. I deal with it more than anyone I know, and while I acknowledge that it hurts me, and preach to other girls about slef- confidence and wholeness, I am not self confident myself, and am not completely whole. 

 
I don't want to end up like Georgianna, or Aylmer... 

     Wrapping it up 

     The three topics I just wrote about are the ones that as I read them, something in me clicked. Some of the things I began to think about as a result were beautiful, shaming, sad, and confusing. The fact that these works of literature stood through the years and made a 19 year old college student in 2012 feel something, and think about something, is a wonder and a testament to the power of writing. This course has reminded me of that.

I want to go read a book now... 

    

Blog Eight: Emily Dickinson

I am pretty darn excited about this blog, because I loved reading Emily Dickinson. Nerdy? Yeah.


Before I even get into some of what Emily wrote, im going to reflect on my impressions of her.

She was a recluse. She didn't get out much and probably didn't talk to people very much either. One thing I generally find to be true about most quiet people, is that if they aren't saying much, there is a high possibility that they are thinking and observing A LOT. That's why I love reading works from such people. It's so interesting seeing what they saw.

I can be really quiet.. I watch a lot though. In the most non- sketchy way possible. ---Well, sometimes it might be a little creepy ha, but I have innocent intentions!--- I notice things about people and human nature that I think Emily saw too so there were many things that she wrote that I identified with.

Article on Introverts that I read a few months ago.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2105432,00.html



Ok. Now that I have psycho analyzed both Emily Dickinson and myself, I can move onto the actual writing.

"After great pain, a formal feeling comes –

The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs –

The stiff Heart questions ‘was   it He, that bore,’

And ‘Yesterday, or Centuries before’?" (from 372) 

                                                                        Emptiness

There should so be a song about that. This happens to me very frequently. When something hurts so bad, or you're terrified, and you lose it. Then, you just get really still and you can't feel anything. Kids today call it being numb, Emily described that feeling like this, "The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs –".  You're just dead inside.

"The Heart asks Pleasure – first-
And then – excuse from Pain-
And then – those little Anodynes
That deaden suffering-" (from 588)

We really think we can have or do whatever we want and not be subjected to the consequences. We want all the pleasure, with no ill side effects. Ha. Ah, ignorance. We always end up trying to deaden the suffering we cause ourselves though.

"I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

And Mourners to and fro

Kept treading - treading - till it seemed

That Sense was breaking through -" (from 340) 

Depression. It scrapes along your mind so much sometimes, that you feel like your sense is about to split. 

Wow. I feel a little emotionally spent after dwelling on all of this, haha. As sad as some of these things are, that's probably why they are so great. She writes about very powerful emotions.

Blog Seven: Song of Myself - Whitman

     I was a little disappointed with Walt Whitman, truthfully. There were many things that he said that were pretty, and even some things that I thought were good worldviews, but on the whole I think he was a little full of it. 

     From reading the intro I learned that there were several instances where he pushed his writing to be publicly recognized. Fame. That is a direct contradiction to the impressions he gives about worldly success and notoriety in "Song of Myself". He claims that he is who he is (which he states is absolutely dreamy) and that he is also a part of everyone else and vice versa. He is satisfied with simply lying in the field and no one ever choosing to recognize him (he says).  His actions speak otherwise. 

When I read his works I kinda get this feeling that as he was lying somewhere, he would just let himself feel as if he was melting into his surroundings, and becoming one with everything. I wonder if that was his way of coping with an identity crisis. I can't figure out who I am, so I'l just be part of everyone and everyone will be part of me. That way life seems fair. ---- Maybe that was a source of his worldview. That is all speculation of course. 

     I wonder if he was kinda like a hippie...? I'm inclined to think so. Peace and love, dude.

     He writes well, I think. Even when I didn't agree with what he was saying I felt like I could feel what he wanted me to feel as I read.

There have been many times when I feel that I need to give props to someone for being bold enough to introduce a different, controversial way of thinking, even if I  don't like a lot of it. I think there were probably quite a few other people that must have felt this way about Whitman during his lifetime. Quite possibly that's one reason that he is considered a classic. Another reason, of course has to that some of his words and ideas are so lovely, that they flow like music. 

"A child said What is grass? fetching it to me with full hands; how could I answer the child? I do not know what it is any more than he.... And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.

Tenderly will I use you curling grass,

It may be you transpire from the breasts of young men,

It may be if I had known them I would have loved them,

It may be you are from old people, or from offspring taken soon          out of their mothers' laps,

And here you are the mothers' laps.

This grass is very dark to be from the white heads of old mothers,

Darker than the colorless beards of old men,

Dark to come from under the faint red roofs of mouths.

O I perceive after all so many uttering tongues,

And I perceive they do not come from the roofs of mouths for          nothing.

I wish I could translate the hints about the dead young men and
         women..." 

There's a reason he is classic. 

Blog Six: Harriet Jacobs

I was going to write about Fanny Fern and indulge in a little man-hating, but I changed my mind. I decided to write about how much I admire this lady instead. 

As I was reading her story, I was feeling shock at many of the things she experienced, but I was also learning every single life lesson I could glean. 

If I had been in her shoes, I'm afraid I might have turned out to be an absolute loony toon. Crazy. Can you imagine the amount of spiritual and mental stamina she had to possess to survive what she did? How could you get through having your family, whether blood or not, ripped away from you (family plays a hug part in most peoples identity)? Sexual slavery (which is how I viewed the positions she was put in)? You don't own yourself. You're not a person, you're property. Oh, and then you have to lay in a hole for seven years (approx.) and think about it. After your mental health has been strangled by all of that, you spend the next few years just surviving. 

She managed to preserve herself and not only survive, but make a free life for herself AND her children. Then had the courage to write it all out; the good and the bad parts of herself and everything that happened to her.

When you feel like your life is a massive train wreck, you just need to keep surviving like this dear lady did.  

 ^"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me." 

1 Corinthians 15:10

Blog Five: "The Birthmark" by Hawthorne

   

 

  Milan Borovička, From Woman series, 1979. S) Perfection

 I could not stop reading "The Birthmark". I went back and re-read multiple passages. They resounded. The undying quest for perfection will never cease to be a potentially devastating issue in our lives, especially in women's lives, in my opinion. 

    I  struggle with my complete, total lack of perfection, every single hour of every day. I am my own Aylmer. I'm obviously still breathing, unlike Georgianna, but I ruin so much of my life by always feeding my dis-satisfaction with myself. Sometimes I feel like their is a part of me that dies (just like Georgianna died) because I won't embrace and love how I have been made.

I battle with myself concerning whether or not my lust for perfection is right or not sometimes (Just like Georgianna tries to convince herself that Aylmer's obsession with perfection is genius and pure love). Is it admirable to be so consumed with being perfect that you're constantly sacrificing to become so? Or is it a shallow, un-fulfilling pursuit. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is I can't seem to stop myself. It's a drive I've always seemed to have engraved in me.

    Georgianna says this in reference to whether or not she would rather live with imperfection or die: " Were I weaker and blinder, it might be happiness. Were I stronger, it might be endured hopefully. But, being what I find myself, methinks I am of all mortals fit to die." 

In other words, if I were more of a weak-minded person, I could even be happy with imperfection. If I were stronger, I could live with it and be hopeful despite it. But neither I am of those things and would rather die then not be what I most desire to be. --- I wouldn't say that I might rather be dead, but I definitely have felt that way during the times when I'm most disappointed in myself.

I'm not my only Aylmer. People are constantly judging one another whether they're conscious of it or not. If you don't measure up to certain standards, most of the time you get shafted. That's just a fact of life. Aylmer loved Georgianna, but that didn't stop human nature from taking over. 

I really got the vibe that Hawthorne wasn't advocating perfection considering that Georgianna died because of the obsession. 

There's a fine line between trying to improve yourself as an individual and ruining your happiness, confidence and self-reliance;), by sacrificing too much for whats ultimately unattainable; Perfection.

.....I suspect I'm still going to attempt perfection anyway.

                                                 Strength in weakness. For some reason this portrait reminded me of everything I just wrote. Draw your own connection.

Blog Four: "Self Reliance" Emerson.

For this blog I thought I'd take a few passages from Emerson's essay "Self Reliance" and just reflect on them and say what they mean to me personally. It's all going to sound a little self-help-ish so you might want to play some slow, sentimental music while you read to help you roll with it, ha. 

Just an FYI. I listened to these songs while I wrote this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPKM0RZ4as "Machine Gun" by Slowdive 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0sN9eFUsqw "Did You Disappoint Your God?" by Neva Dinova

"To believe your own thought, to believe what is true for you is true for all men,--- that is genius." 

   

  I always second guess my ideas and inspirations, but what I get from this passage is that when you learn to have confidence in your ideas and what you believe in, that's when you can be successful and "genius". Confidence is key, as they say.

"A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his." 

  

 This pretty much means the same thing to me as the previous passage, but I wanted to share because its so pretty. Once again, learn to give your ideas some credit. Follow things through for yourself and see what happens instead of automatically assuming that its stupid because its your idea and not "Insert name here"'s idea. 

"What I must do, is all that concerns me, not what people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

I re-read this so many times. The same day I read it I had just shared a business venture I was beginning with my best friend who completely shot me down, and straight up said it was stupid haha. I believe in what I'm doing and I know that I can be successful at it if I put in the effort. That's all that matters, right? If I fail, then I'm going to fail my way to success. 

    I want to just briefly talk about the part I put in bold. Know your own mind. You know that feeling you get when you're all alone, and you know what it is you really think and why? Learn to have that when you're sitting in a classroom or a workplace where you're surrounded by numerous other thoughts and determinations. 

 It may take some meditation haha. 

"...the forced smile which we put on in company where we do not feel at ease is answer to conversation which does not interest us. The muscles, not spontaneously moved, but moved by a low usurping willfulness, grow tight about the outline of the face and make the most disagreeable sensation, a sensation of rebuke and warning which no brave young man will suffer twice." 

    Guilty. Ha. I put on a fake smile alllll the time. I really do get bored a lot. I think Emerson is saying that if we feel bored, we should just look bored and not be fake. I halfway agree with that. I think there are plenty of times, especially in the South, when we could stand to be a little more genuine and not so fake-sweet. Or fake-distressed/sympathetic for that matter. However, I am a firm believer in sucking it up and smiling when you don't feel like it for appearances sake. If you're at a job interview or work function, and you are bored out of your mind, you had just better plaster a smile on your face and mingle anyway if your job is important to you.

   As The Killers (it's a band) say, "Smile like you mean it."


 
    

In relation to my blog#3. Am I comparing the "Fab Five" with a madam? No, but I am giving another example of women who have shown diligence and success.

Blog#3 Mayflower Madam

I've been working very hard for my money. Legally, just so you know.  However the older I get, the more semesters I'm enrolled in college, the more changes I go through in my life, I require more money in order to adapt and not fall behind the curve. I have been scrambling for profitable ways to make money just to pay for the gas in my car and my education. So I can relate to the feeling that Sydney "Mayflower Madam" Biddle Borrows probably felt when she lost her job, needed to pay the bills, and also secure a chance to succeed in the future. Ambition costs something. She stuck her toe into the waters of the sex business and knew she could make a go of it HER way. She did.

I don't condone the way Sydney made her money, and I don't have to in order to just admire the skill, intelligence, and drive that she possessed. Not only did she make herself successful, but she managed to do get of some serious trouble down the road. It takes skill to solicit high end escorts and or prostitution for years and get off with only paying $5,000  and a "kiss on the wrist," (Sydney Biddle Barrows) instead of a slap on the wrist, after you've been caught.

Where did she end up after all the scandal? Well, she did not retreat to the woods and hole up in a hunting shack. She created a public persona that somehow people began to accept and even desire. She drug her name out of the mud instead of letting people leave it there. Admirable. 

Dear readers, DON'T take up prostitution. DO push forward with your careers and be smart about it. The legal way of course.

Sydney Barrows on "The View".

I wonder what Mr. Franklin would think if he heard this song? haha.

Blog#2--- Devotion

The definition of "Pilgrimage" from Dictionary.com "

a journey, especially a long one, made to some sacred place as an act of religious devotion: a pilgrimage to Lourdes." 

The word, "devotion" sticks out to me. Even just the way it sounds speaks true dedication. What's that part of you that is so deep inside, and so vital to who you are, that you are truly devoted to it? 

Studying about William Bradford and the pilgrims made me start considering this question. 

  He came by a leap to the goal of purpose, not by the toilsome steps of reason. On the instant his headlong spirit declared his purpose: this was the one being for him in all the world: at this altar he would light a lamp of devotion, and keep it burning forever.
Gilbert Parker

The pilgrims were devoted to their walk with Christ. He was the largest, most characterizing part of their life and so they were truly devoted to being in a place where they could serve Him the best way they knew. Every single day of that journey they were relying on Him to get them through on it, and they were relying on each other.

I don't know whether everything William Bradford said about himself and the other pilgrims was true, but I honestly hope that it was. I love knowing that humans can stick it out through something like what the pilgrims did. 

I lose faith in humans a lot, but every once in awhile I come back to the fact that if tomorrow the entire world was thrown into chaos,  then so many people would take it one day at a time and their devotion would carry them through. 

*above is one of my all time favorite photographs, by Dorothea Lange.

I googled, "Humanity photography" and I saw this image. See how you think it could symbolize humanity.

Columbus through page 48 "Humans"

Columbus.
I'm not really sure how I feel about Columbus. If I wasn't thinking about him too in depth and just making a round about assumption, I'd say I think he was a bit ridiculous and that his selfishness came back to bite him in the butt. But then again.... I've been going through this sort of phase where I try to have a little mercy and understanding for people's screw ups. In that light, I'd say Columbus was desperate for achievement and he was desperate enough to make a lot of mistakes and lose sight of many important things (assuming he even knew these "important things" to begin with).

Bartolome'  De Las Casas
I liked reading what Las Casas wrote. When I read it I really sensed how grieved he was over everything, and also ashamed he was that he went along with the treatment of the Indians for as long as he did. He was upfront about his behavior though and I respect that. He didn't make himself out to be a self righteous saint. He confronted what was going on and fought it. Too bad he can't come back to life and do the same for this generation.

Alvar Nunez Cabeza De Vaca
Out of all the readings for this weeks assignment, I enjoyed reading De Vaca's the most. He went through so much and struggled just to keep on living for such a long time, but he admits that he may be one of the people in the world who, for whatever reason, are not recognized for what they went through and what they accomplished. He states that at the beginning of his letter.
When I read about the Indians he encountered and lived with all I could think about was how much more pure and unified they seem than the people I run into at church, ha. Obviously there were things about them that were primal and inhumane, but geez just the way they helped out their neighbors and were so loyal to their families (especially children) was inspiring and shaming at the same time. I guess in SOME ways the Indians are what humanity should look like when it hasn't been broken down by hundreds of years of sin.