Friday, December 7, 2012

The Final One

I love to read. I'm also a very reflective girl. Everything we were assigned to read, I read and tried to apply it to my life in some way. All of my discoveries during this class were on a personal level. The literature didn't make me think of science, politics, education, statistics etc.. It made me think of humans individually and as a whole. I thought of myself and how I resembled/differed from those that I read about. I thought about my family, and familiar emotions. Therefore, this final blog post may not seem very academic, but it is genuine to the core of what I got from American Literature through Whitman.

     I could go through and write about everything all over again, but I'm in a time crunch and I'm sure you are as well. I went through and picked the top three thoughts that I wrote about in my blog that made an unusually defined impression on me. Namely: De Vaca, Mayflower Madam, and Hawthorne's "The Birthmark". They don't really seem to go together do they?

De Vaca


     Humanity, humanity, humanity. I read through quotes on humanity for a long time. Most of them were honestly just stupid and barely even broke the surface of what I think humanity to be defined by. Well, I say I know what I think humanity is defined by, but I don't REALLY know. I just have this sub-conscious sort of feeling about it that I can't really put words to. Maybe everyone has this problem, and that's why all of the quotes were so... blah, because no one can really put words to it. We all just sit back, watch, and feel humanity.
   
     I've said all this because the only thing I could think about as I read the account of De Vaca as he lived with the Native Americans, was humanity. The way he described those Indians painted a picture of humanity that I had never really seen before.

   The Indians were dependent on each other. Perhaps that's why they cared for one another and made an effort to stay close. I feel that way about my family, but not my neighbors, not the President, not my hometown preacher, and certainly not the random guy sitting next to me and talking to himself in the library at this moment.Living in a community where you all work together and support each other in order to live is a foreign lifestyle to me.

    Have you ever seen the movie, "Red Dawn"? Not the new one (I'm sure they probably ruined the original..) . I'm talking about the one they made in the 80's. A story about a group of kids who were forced to work together in order to survive.
    
     As I was re-reading my blog on De Vaca, I saw where I had wrote that the Indians seemed so pure and wholesome (in SOME ways) than the average joe today. I thought it might be because they were exposed to so little depravity out there in the middle of the woods. I started thinking about it again.. I don't think I was right. If I think about it more, then I question that argument because all you really need for depravity is one human. Even if he or she is out in the middle of nowhere, alone. I'm a firm believer that humans inherently have something depraved in us. Exposure to certain evils can make it worse, yes, but even in total seclusion you are still going to have the inborn nature that can take hold.

     The Mayflower Madam 

     Such a touchy topic. Little ladies in Sunday school would probably keel over if they read my blog of admiration for the Mayflower Madam, but oh well. I re-read my blog on Sydney and I think that I was dead on. I still agree with everything I said. I can't really be as philosophical minded on this topic because for me, a lot of my opinions are very cut and dried. I'm reminded of these cliche's: Bite the bullet, put your big girl panties on and deal with it (yes, my mom frequently tells me this..), git er done, SUCK IT UP. Sydney did these things and managed to make it out alive, ha. Bravo. I hope I do. Although I don't think I will run or participate in an escort service. I will, however, continue to be clever, persistent, and work smart. 

" I don't condone the way Sydney made her money, and I don't have to in order to just admire the skill, intelligence, and drive that she possessed. Not only did she make herself successful, but she managed to do get of some serious trouble down the road. It takes skill to solicit high end escorts and or prostitution for years and get off with only paying $5,000  and a "kiss on the wrist," (Sydney Biddle Barrows) instead of a slap on the wrist, after you've been caught." -From Mayflower Madam Blog

     If I lose my job, I will work what connections I have until I have another one. I will work my butt off and be dedicated so that I will push beyond the crowd and be visible. I will sacrifice certain things in order to attain what I want (I won't sacrifice quite as much as Sydney did though! Definitely not.) . It takes a strong woman to do all these things, and though she was not perfect, I think the Mayflower Madam was strong, and I admire that. I also admire Mother Teresa (another strong lady), my own mother, Fanny Fern, Louisa May Alcott, Condoleezza Rice, Christiane Amanpour, Jillian Michaels, Harriet Jacobs etc... 

     Ever heard the song, "Run the World" by Beyonce'? Haha. 



     "The Birthmark" Nathanial Hawthorne 

      This is honestly a painful subject for me, because my struggle with perfection goes so deep. That is probably why it was one of the most memorable things I read this semester. What can I even say about this? You already know we are consumed with perfection. You've heard statistics on plastic surgery and eating disorders (Which I've had). I would not be surprised if the powerful dissatisfaction with ourselves and or others, was a key component in Suicide. It effects everything for me. 
"I  struggle with my complete, total lack of perfection, every single hour of every day. I am my own Aylmer. I'm obviously still breathing, unlike Georgianna, but I ruin so much of my life by always feeding my dis-satisfaction with myself. Sometimes I feel like their is a part of me that dies (just like Georgianna died) because I won't embrace and love how I have been made.
I battle with myself concerning whether or not my lust for perfection is right or not sometimes (Just like Georgianna tries to convince herself that Aylmer's obsession with perfection is genius and pure love). Is it admirable to be so consumed with being perfect that you're constantly sacrificing to become so? Or is it a shallow, un-fulfilling pursuit. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is I can't seem to stop myself. It's a drive I've always seemed to have engraved in me" -from blog five 
 
An interesting aspect of this story is symbolized in the fact that Georgianna believes that it is true love and passion that drive this desire for perfection. Unfortunately it is just humanity. I believe some people have a stronger desire for it than others. I believe some people can't deal with how short they come up in their OWN estimations as well as others, so they bury their attempts at perfection and instead let themselves go. I've been there. I see it first-hand from those close to me. I know a woman that used to be so beautiful and smart, but she broke down somewhere in her life. Mentally, emotionally, physically. She fell into a pit that she couldn't even crawl out of so she just went crazy and blindly started digging herself even deeper so she wouldn't have to face the light of where she used to be. 

I have this twisted sort of feeling in me that if I can't be perfect and have it my way, than I don't want anything. I talked about it some in my blog:

    "Georgianna says this in reference to whether or not she would rather live with imperfection or die: ' Were I weaker and blinder, it might be happiness. Were I stronger, it might be endured hopefully. But, being what I find myself, methinks I am of all mortals fit to die.'
In other words, if I were more of a weak-minded person, I could even be happy with imperfection. If I were stronger, I could live with it and be hopeful despite it. But neither I am of those things and would rather die then not be what I most desire to be. --- I wouldn't say that I might rather be dead, but I definitely have felt that way during the times when I'm most disappointed in myself." - From Blog five 

I wish I could be the person to stand up and say that I know this obsession with perfection is wrong, and give the appearance that I don't deal with it, and fight it.  I am not that person. I deal with it more than anyone I know, and while I acknowledge that it hurts me, and preach to other girls about slef- confidence and wholeness, I am not self confident myself, and am not completely whole. 

 
I don't want to end up like Georgianna, or Aylmer... 


     Wrapping it up 

     The three topics I just wrote about are the ones that as I read them, something in me clicked. Some of the things I began to think about as a result were beautiful, shaming, sad, and confusing. The fact that these works of literature stood through the years and made a 19 year old college student in 2012 feel something, and think about something, is a wonder and a testament to the power of writing. This course has reminded me of that.

I want to go read a book now... 







    

No comments:

Post a Comment