Blog Five: "The Birthmark" by Hawthorne

   

 

  Milan Borovička, From Woman series, 1979. S) Perfection

 I could not stop reading "The Birthmark". I went back and re-read multiple passages. They resounded. The undying quest for perfection will never cease to be a potentially devastating issue in our lives, especially in women's lives, in my opinion. 

    I  struggle with my complete, total lack of perfection, every single hour of every day. I am my own Aylmer. I'm obviously still breathing, unlike Georgianna, but I ruin so much of my life by always feeding my dis-satisfaction with myself. Sometimes I feel like their is a part of me that dies (just like Georgianna died) because I won't embrace and love how I have been made.

I battle with myself concerning whether or not my lust for perfection is right or not sometimes (Just like Georgianna tries to convince herself that Aylmer's obsession with perfection is genius and pure love). Is it admirable to be so consumed with being perfect that you're constantly sacrificing to become so? Or is it a shallow, un-fulfilling pursuit. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is I can't seem to stop myself. It's a drive I've always seemed to have engraved in me.

    Georgianna says this in reference to whether or not she would rather live with imperfection or die: " Were I weaker and blinder, it might be happiness. Were I stronger, it might be endured hopefully. But, being what I find myself, methinks I am of all mortals fit to die." 

In other words, if I were more of a weak-minded person, I could even be happy with imperfection. If I were stronger, I could live with it and be hopeful despite it. But neither I am of those things and would rather die then not be what I most desire to be. --- I wouldn't say that I might rather be dead, but I definitely have felt that way during the times when I'm most disappointed in myself.

I'm not my only Aylmer. People are constantly judging one another whether they're conscious of it or not. If you don't measure up to certain standards, most of the time you get shafted. That's just a fact of life. Aylmer loved Georgianna, but that didn't stop human nature from taking over. 

I really got the vibe that Hawthorne wasn't advocating perfection considering that Georgianna died because of the obsession. 

There's a fine line between trying to improve yourself as an individual and ruining your happiness, confidence and self-reliance;), by sacrificing too much for whats ultimately unattainable; Perfection.

.....I suspect I'm still going to attempt perfection anyway.

                                                 Strength in weakness. For some reason this portrait reminded me of everything I just wrote. Draw your own connection.

Blog Four: "Self Reliance" Emerson.

For this blog I thought I'd take a few passages from Emerson's essay "Self Reliance" and just reflect on them and say what they mean to me personally. It's all going to sound a little self-help-ish so you might want to play some slow, sentimental music while you read to help you roll with it, ha. 

Just an FYI. I listened to these songs while I wrote this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPKM0RZ4as "Machine Gun" by Slowdive 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0sN9eFUsqw "Did You Disappoint Your God?" by Neva Dinova

"To believe your own thought, to believe what is true for you is true for all men,--- that is genius." 

   

  I always second guess my ideas and inspirations, but what I get from this passage is that when you learn to have confidence in your ideas and what you believe in, that's when you can be successful and "genius". Confidence is key, as they say.

"A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his." 

  

 This pretty much means the same thing to me as the previous passage, but I wanted to share because its so pretty. Once again, learn to give your ideas some credit. Follow things through for yourself and see what happens instead of automatically assuming that its stupid because its your idea and not "Insert name here"'s idea. 

"What I must do, is all that concerns me, not what people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

I re-read this so many times. The same day I read it I had just shared a business venture I was beginning with my best friend who completely shot me down, and straight up said it was stupid haha. I believe in what I'm doing and I know that I can be successful at it if I put in the effort. That's all that matters, right? If I fail, then I'm going to fail my way to success. 

    I want to just briefly talk about the part I put in bold. Know your own mind. You know that feeling you get when you're all alone, and you know what it is you really think and why? Learn to have that when you're sitting in a classroom or a workplace where you're surrounded by numerous other thoughts and determinations. 

 It may take some meditation haha. 

"...the forced smile which we put on in company where we do not feel at ease is answer to conversation which does not interest us. The muscles, not spontaneously moved, but moved by a low usurping willfulness, grow tight about the outline of the face and make the most disagreeable sensation, a sensation of rebuke and warning which no brave young man will suffer twice." 

    Guilty. Ha. I put on a fake smile alllll the time. I really do get bored a lot. I think Emerson is saying that if we feel bored, we should just look bored and not be fake. I halfway agree with that. I think there are plenty of times, especially in the South, when we could stand to be a little more genuine and not so fake-sweet. Or fake-distressed/sympathetic for that matter. However, I am a firm believer in sucking it up and smiling when you don't feel like it for appearances sake. If you're at a job interview or work function, and you are bored out of your mind, you had just better plaster a smile on your face and mingle anyway if your job is important to you.

   As The Killers (it's a band) say, "Smile like you mean it."